I have always had those memories. The ones that are dark or a bit unusual. The type of memories that you realize are painful and traumatic but still seem to mesh in among the other more neutral memories as if they were masquerading as typical and normal experiences. The older I get the more awareness I seem to have of those kinds of memories. If you can visualize this; it is like I do a stop, rewind, play again: What the hell did I just remember? What is so striking to me is that I have remembered the same damn things my entire life but out of nowhere I get stricken with this sudden enlightenment to a memories significance.
Memories pass through my mind like a movie reel playing as I experience my day to day life. Normal everyday experiences triggering the strangest and most random of memories. They pass through my minds viewfinder without thought, almost like it is my subconscious that has full awareness of the incoming memories. The older and more connected I become to my spirit and my inner self, the more aware I become of my thoughts, feelings and my memories. It is an awakening of sorts I suppose. Thoughts, feelings and memories that used to escape recognition are now in within my frame of reference. Ergo, why I find myself doing the stop, rewind, play again; what the hell did I just remember?
I have started to develop a new image of myself as a child and an adult due to these memories. I see myself in a new light. I have a new understanding of me. I relate better to my own children. Although I do feel emotions (naturally) about certain memories that I am taking a moment to process for the 1st time...thanks to maturity, age, wisdom, whatever you call it, I also feel a sense of objectivity about my experiences. I believe that although I can clearly see correlations to my past and present it does not define me or my future which is where I am actually looking. The future is where all my intentions are placed.
Life is new today. It is a new experience that I am creating and I like thinking about it that way. On a challenging day, it can even come down to a cup of coffee. Hmmmm, I think. Do I want a latte or a cup of Joe? Or ice cream. Do I want Cherry Garcia or Black Cherry from Thrifty's (now Rite-Aid) What do I really want in my life today? Some days the choice is much bigger than a cup of coffee or ice cream. It is about a major life decision or which path to choose for myself or my family. For the first time, I rather enjoy making these decisions. It is all about happiness and creating my life how I want it to be.
You can't control everything that happens in life but what when you do have a say in something, don't you want to speak up?