Ask and you shall receive.

Have you ever really believed that old saying to be true? I mean, really? Admittedly, I haven't. Growing up, it seems my experiences impressed upon me that the answer would always be "No." or "Not right now." or "Not this time." or "Not today." or "Not you." or "Sorry."

Once upon a time, I was about 11 or 12 years old at a charity event where I would be speaking to help raise money for Big Brothers & Big Sisters of Greater Los Angeles. There were a few vendors selling things like greeting cards and gifts in the lobby and my Big Sister and I browsed among the crowd of people. I saw these cards that were so adorable and she could tell that I really wanted them so she told me to ask for them. I was like "What, are you crazy?! For free?!" She said "You are speaking for free! What's the worst they will say, no? Then you won't be any worse off than you are now, just try." So I did, and they said no and I never forgot how defeated I felt at that moment.

I decided at that moment I was better off not asking for anything unless it was absolutely necessary, like life or death or at least in some sort of crisis category. Wouldn't you know that my life has included ironic crisis after ironic crisis? Almost like if God were up there sending me opportunity after opportunity to learn this message that asking for help sometimes is not only OK but an important and healthy part of human interaction? 

I can just imagine it now...God is like "Hey you down there, wake up and smell the roses! What do I have to do to make you ask for some freakin' help? Give you MS? A child with Type 1 Diabetes? An alcoholic Father? C-Diff? Render you unable to walk? Give you 2 children with Autism Spectrum Disorders? Chronic Migraines? Earthquakes?"

In all seriousness, I am learning and growing as a human being and I am liking life more and more each day. A week ago, I wrote that a larger apartment had been offered to me in the same building, at a very reduced rate. As I sit here typing to my hearts content, I am enjoying the noise of the ticking of my new washer and dryer in the background, the bright and sunny living room creating a positive flow of energy that I need sometimes and even my Budgie is singing. Yesterday my whole family, nieces included came down to help, because I simply asked if they would. My old apartment is empty and clean, my new one full and unpacked and my new, happy, blessed, & challenged journey continues...

My journey, my chrysalis.

Life can be so rough; at times forcefully sucking you from the vacuum of  your comfort zone, then thrusting you into the abyss of transformation. Although change is often a welcomed part of life, it can also be one of the most frustrating and frightening of life's experiences. How many times in my young life have I felt like a fragile seedling plucked from my mothers soil, roots and all and thrown as far as the eye could see? Time passing by so slowly as I soar through the sky almost suspended in the air, awaiting my landing in a fresh new spot of soil to sow my newly matured roots. 

At the tender age of 33, just a couple months shy of my 34th Birthday, I can hardly count the many transformative experiences of my life. And how many of those times of change have been unwelcome? My body changing due to the course of Multiple Sclerosis or Dysautonomia. Who in their right mind would welcome a transformation like that? And lets not forget to acknowledge that  it makes a poor topic of conversation. It is literally painful for me to talk about the frivolous or the mundane superficial topics most women my age converse about. I would be the quiet one standing in a group of mothers discussing soccer or Girl Scout meetings. I would be standing there nodding and smiling while thinking of the surgery on Tuesday, the Hematology, PT and Cardiology appointments on Thursday, wondering if the new ooh la la custom made AFO will help me walk without a cane, wishing I had a chance to say good bye to my Dad, hoping my son won't cut himself today...I cannot speak of soccer for the stress I am experiencing silences me and I would rather go to the Dentist than speak about Girl Scout cookies.

How could I speak about cleats when Multiple Sclerosis has disfigured my feet, the new atrophy revealing itself to my damaged eyes almost daily. Where do I mesh and with whom? I feel I have become lost within my own generation, my disabilities and challenges stealing away from me the ability to shoot the shit with other moms, small talk has become a foreign language to me. My children and their disabilities, life threatening medical conditions and puberty all but render my brain stunned and and and and stupid. Some days I can only focus on insulin, and glucose readings. Other days I am struggling to maintain my composure as I try to fit in 4 medical appointments in one afternoon. I cannot think if the TV is on and I forget everything I shouldn't. My brain is like a hard drive that is about to freeze up or crash. 

It is all I can do lately to just "be" me. To eat olives because they make me happy, to skip breakfast because it makes me sick, to come home rather than chat up the other mom's, to take a shower knowing walking up the stairs to do it will render me useless later that day. Change can be such a blessing but the change that occurs with MS is not welcome by me, not at all.

It is difficult to fit in here, in this prosperous community. I write my rent check every month knowing it will leave us short on money for food or other necessary things. I drive my kids to school and park my car among the Mercedes and the Lexus that line the street, feeling out of place but thankful for the car I have. I am in constant conflict, feeling out of place and worthless but also feeling so thankful for the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins, the inspiration directed by my spirit, the thoughts circulating through my mind and the love I feel so deeply in my soul. I am both negative and positive, sad and happy, thankful and disappointed, scared and excited, humble and jealous. I am a walking talking paradox.