"Home is where your story begins."

I have always had those memories. The ones that are dark or a bit unusual. The type of memories that you realize are painful and traumatic but still seem to mesh in among the other more neutral memories as if they were masquerading as typical and normal experiences. The older I get the more awareness I seem to have of those kinds of memories. If you can visualize this; it is like I do a stop, rewind, play again: What the hell did I just remember? What is so striking to me is that I have remembered the same damn things my entire life but out of nowhere I get stricken with this sudden enlightenment to a memories significance.

Memories pass through my mind like a movie reel playing as I experience my day to day life. Normal everyday experiences triggering the strangest and most random of memories. They pass through my minds viewfinder without thought, almost like it is my subconscious that has full awareness of the incoming memories.  The older and more connected I become to my spirit and my inner self, the more aware I become of my thoughts, feelings and my memories. It is an awakening of sorts I suppose. Thoughts, feelings and memories that used to escape recognition are now in within my frame of reference. Ergo, why I find myself doing the stop, rewind, play again; what the hell did I just remember? 

I have started to develop a new image of myself as a child and an adult due to these memories. I see myself in a new light. I have a new understanding of me. I relate better to my own children. Although I do feel emotions (naturally) about certain memories that I am taking a moment to process for the 1st time...thanks to maturity, age, wisdom, whatever you call it, I also feel a sense of objectivity about my experiences. I believe that although I can clearly see correlations to my past and present it does not define me or my future which is where I am actually looking. The future is where all my intentions are placed.

Life is new today. It is a new experience that I am creating and I like thinking about it that way. On a challenging day, it can even come down to a cup of coffee. Hmmmm, I think. Do I want a latte or a cup of Joe? Or ice cream. Do I want Cherry Garcia or Black Cherry from Thrifty's (now Rite-Aid) What do I really want in my life today? Some days the choice is much bigger than a cup of coffee or ice cream. It is about a major life decision or which path to choose for myself or my family. For the first time, I rather enjoy making these decisions. It is all about happiness and creating my life how I want it to be. 

You can't control everything that happens in life but what when you do have a say in something, don't you want to speak up?

On top of spaghetti...

all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed. It rolled off the table, then onto the floor and then my poor meatball... One thing unfolding after the other, sometimes my life reminds me of that song. 

It is really funny and strange how easily things can work out if you just believe in their possibility. Want a bigger place to live? Make an appointment to see a bigger house or apartment, even if you can't afford it. It is like saying to the universe that you are ready to choose your bigger home, even if this is not the one, you are ready to choose what you want. That is action you can take today with the intention of moving closer to your dreams or goals for tomorrow.

Seriously...it works. Who knows? You may love it so much that they may drop the price for you!

Would you believe me if I told you? Ah, OK, I guess I'll divulge. 

We rent. We rent a 3 bedroom/3 bathroom. We rent a 3 bedroom/ 3 bathroom with NO laundry hookups. It has been an expensive nuissance of ours since we moved in with our brood of children. We were told that they would give us laundry hookups inside our apartment but one thing after another (spaghetti with meatballs, remember?) and they couldn't after all. I need to mention that we also have a difficult neighbor right next door who won't share the hose and has boundary issues. Our excitement about moving into our beautiful apartment turned into frustration and disappointment soon after we moved in.

Then, one day the front apartment became vacant. It is a 4 bedroom, with laundry hookups, a pantry and no difficult next door neighbor. Unfortunately, we then learned that the rent was $1,000 more bucks than our current rent. 

What would you do? Give up? Not try? Settle for what you've got? 

Hunny and I decided to set up an appointment with the Realtor even knowing we could never afford another $1,000 in rent. However, we thought it would sure be nice to see what the possibilities are instead of complaining. "You never know what can happen." Hunny said to me. The apartment has stayed vacant for 2-3 months now. Today, I got an email the rent is being lowered by $800 dollars and it was offered to us as an option to move in. Considering we pay almost $200 in laundry each month, um...let me see...hmmm.....hell yaah!?!! Did I forget to mention that it comes with a long hose line of it's very own!

Visualize the possibilities even if they are impossible to see. It affirms their existence.

My journey, my chrysalis.

Life can be so rough; at times forcefully sucking you from the vacuum of  your comfort zone, then thrusting you into the abyss of transformation. Although change is often a welcomed part of life, it can also be one of the most frustrating and frightening of life's experiences. How many times in my young life have I felt like a fragile seedling plucked from my mothers soil, roots and all and thrown as far as the eye could see? Time passing by so slowly as I soar through the sky almost suspended in the air, awaiting my landing in a fresh new spot of soil to sow my newly matured roots. 

At the tender age of 33, just a couple months shy of my 34th Birthday, I can hardly count the many transformative experiences of my life. And how many of those times of change have been unwelcome? My body changing due to the course of Multiple Sclerosis or Dysautonomia. Who in their right mind would welcome a transformation like that? And lets not forget to acknowledge that  it makes a poor topic of conversation. It is literally painful for me to talk about the frivolous or the mundane superficial topics most women my age converse about. I would be the quiet one standing in a group of mothers discussing soccer or Girl Scout meetings. I would be standing there nodding and smiling while thinking of the surgery on Tuesday, the Hematology, PT and Cardiology appointments on Thursday, wondering if the new ooh la la custom made AFO will help me walk without a cane, wishing I had a chance to say good bye to my Dad, hoping my son won't cut himself today...I cannot speak of soccer for the stress I am experiencing silences me and I would rather go to the Dentist than speak about Girl Scout cookies.

How could I speak about cleats when Multiple Sclerosis has disfigured my feet, the new atrophy revealing itself to my damaged eyes almost daily. Where do I mesh and with whom? I feel I have become lost within my own generation, my disabilities and challenges stealing away from me the ability to shoot the shit with other moms, small talk has become a foreign language to me. My children and their disabilities, life threatening medical conditions and puberty all but render my brain stunned and and and and stupid. Some days I can only focus on insulin, and glucose readings. Other days I am struggling to maintain my composure as I try to fit in 4 medical appointments in one afternoon. I cannot think if the TV is on and I forget everything I shouldn't. My brain is like a hard drive that is about to freeze up or crash. 

It is all I can do lately to just "be" me. To eat olives because they make me happy, to skip breakfast because it makes me sick, to come home rather than chat up the other mom's, to take a shower knowing walking up the stairs to do it will render me useless later that day. Change can be such a blessing but the change that occurs with MS is not welcome by me, not at all.

It is difficult to fit in here, in this prosperous community. I write my rent check every month knowing it will leave us short on money for food or other necessary things. I drive my kids to school and park my car among the Mercedes and the Lexus that line the street, feeling out of place but thankful for the car I have. I am in constant conflict, feeling out of place and worthless but also feeling so thankful for the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins, the inspiration directed by my spirit, the thoughts circulating through my mind and the love I feel so deeply in my soul. I am both negative and positive, sad and happy, thankful and disappointed, scared and excited, humble and jealous. I am a walking talking paradox.